June 25, 2007
Aunt Edna died
today. At 0745 a.m.
Cousin Donna slept
with her in the living room. Uncle Dave and Debbie were in the other room, but
Debby had left early to go to Becca’s play ‘Peter Pan” at school.
I didn’t feel
much. Just Joy, Freedom…light all day. I didn't know she had died.
Also, as I did
dishes, she said that dying/passing over wasn’t what she thought it would be.
The getting there was lots worse-really bad (her months of suffering).
I know our
souls are connected—Grandma, Edna and me. I am the oldest. Grandma is my niece now. I
am not sure if Edna is coming back.
My sister dreamed of Edna shining in a white dress with Grandma holding hands.
The only thing I wanted to know, was if Uncle Dave took his anger out on her, like I knew he had done in the past with my cousins. I
would be very sad for that. The thought never crossed my mind while growing up, about his taking his anger out on anybody, but my cousins talked to my mother about the memories of abuse that were coming up when they were in their early twenties and wanted to know if they were going crazy or it really happened to them?
Right when I’d
learned Mom and Dad got the call to go say goodbye to Aunt Edna last Saturday I felt a “God will
have a husband for you” message-knowing that seemed out-of-the-blue.
I believe that
now. The tapes from eharmony are helping. Today I practiced self-giving love.
And attention. I can’t see ahead…
Blessed Mother: God will
have everything prepared for you.
Me: Did the
prayers work? I said the special ones on Saturday.
(ed - I have a pamphlet booklet that is Catholic, and has 'Prayers To Help Someone Cross Over' in it. I had prayed for Auntie, prayed very hard, for some time.)
BM: Talk about
the dress.
Me: My sister said it was shining. White.
BM: spreads
her hands, shrugs.
Me: I did it?
BM: Nods yes.
(pinches my nose). I am very proud of you.
Me: for what?
BM: For having
the faith to go through with it.
Me: To go
though with it?
BM: To find
the book and pray and to know that it would happen. Thy ‘did it from afar”.
Me: I couldn’t
go near their energy. (ed - of my cousins and uncle on my last visit to the hospital, when I drove over one hour with my two year old son--refused to let me visit her in her hospital room, politely explaining now was not a good time, so I never said goodbye. They didn't figure that a doctor would know more than they did, about when it's 'close' to the end, and want to pay respects one last time, to say goodbye to their favorite Auntie. They were in denial about the end.)
BM: It was
wise of you to comfort this.
Me: Blessed
Mother?
BM: Yes?
Me: I am going
to miss her.
BM: You are
lucky for the times you had…most fortunate…I want you to write them. Write them
for all posterity.
Me: My name
came from what she’d picked before she miscarried her pregnancy.
She sent a
birthday card every year.
She braided my
hair at the desert.
She told me to
love my dresser--maple and mom's old one (when I was fourteen and hated it)
She was my
confirmation sponsor
She threw my
bridal shower
She helped me
find my wedding dress
She came to my
wedding (first husband) and to my reception (second)
She saw me
dance (perform ballet). And I saw her dance (tap)
She threw my
baby shower, so beautiful.
She made a
photo album of it.
She came to the baby’s Baptism.
We spoke for
hours on the phone.
I could
confide in her anything.
She knew my
heart, and gently opened hers.
Last July 4,
she didn’t look healthy. And her cheeks were less swollen…
I trust in
you, Father, to make the best of it. And to guide me on my path…
BM: (tousles
my hair) Are you not crying?
Me: I am not
crying. I am emotionally blocked.
BM: Too
clinical? What about that ant?
Me: On the
floor? It is walking in circles. It is in the wrong place. It is going to die.
BM: God wants
it that way. It is in the right place—
Cousin Debbie called. (ed - Cousin Debbie is very conservative Christian--she thinks anything like my mediumship is from the devil himself. The bible says...she would say.)
We spoke.
She explained
how everyone said goodbye at the end at her folks house, where the hospital bed was in the living room.
I am glad
about that.
I’ll go rest.
P.S. Cousin Debbie said his mom fought dying. She wanted to see her grandkids’ lives.
Aunt Edna
asked in the hospital “There’s no pain in Heaven?”
Debbie said,
“There is no pain in Heaven.”
Later,
Saturday, Edna closed her eyes and said, “It’s Dark.”, afraid.
Debbie said to
look for the light. Jesus is the light.
Later Edna
said, “It’s light.” And was happy.
